would like your thoughts

Miko · Post by **Miko** » Thu Aug 01, 2013 1:28 am

ok so i was planing on taking my 5 year old to the zoo, its farly cheap like $12 per person. but its an hour and a half drive. ok now heres my problem... my hubby has not had any work this month maybe 3-5 days of work, he is visualy impared, so it is hard for him to find a job say at mcD or a gas station or any of that so he he works with some friends doing ponds and yard work, cleaning out apt/house after an evition has been served, power washing and what not, it is normal good work that pays well (hes friends owns biz of there own) but once again its been really slow. so i have been bring in the money and supporting the house, so rent is due and daycare is due i got the money to cover it, and be broke, so i called my mom (she has never had a problem helping me be4) and asked her if she could do one of two things eather help me cover daycare ($280) or lend me some money so i can take my daughter to the zoo ($150 max) she could have said no and that would have been fine i would have understood. But no she starts to rant and rave (to put it nicely) at me about how i spend MY money, we are having to rebudgt every thing and trying to get this right....so here is where i want your thoughts, was my mom in the right for going off on me about my money?? and what would you have done?? i dont think i would be this irritated if she would have just told me no i cant help you this time....

Crabber85 · Post by **Crabber85** » Thu Aug 01, 2013 5:31 am

I know what it's like living with a disability and I have several, I'm autistic, my vision is nearly gone and I have a blood sugar disorder so getting/keeping a job is impossible for me so I have to do odd jobs and handy work that people I know need done and then I don't get paid too well.I also help my mother run a family business doing photography but because my eye sight is so bad I don't do much picture taking I'm more in tech management I handle setting everything up, hauling the quipment and I do ocassionaly do proof shots so that we know what settings/levels to use for a certain scene type and believe me the money hasn't been too great with this jon either, I barely break a thousand dollars in a year and have to rely on friends and family for what I need and to get around.I know what its like being on a tight budget and not knowing how your going to put food on the table and still be able to pay for everything else.I've learned you can only go to your parents so many times for money before they get tired of giving it to you and expect you to pull a miracle out of your bum, I know my parents have been like this constantly riding me to go out and make some one hire me when they know I can't see to fill out an application and I can't drive.I don't even have my drivers license any more after my last visit to the Eye Doc I was told to that driving wasn't something I should be doing because my vision is so limited and that I needed to give up my license so I ended up surrendering it to the DMV/DODS the next month.My father was there the day I had my check up at the Eye Doc and he heard what she had to say and my mother was at the DMV with me when I surrenderd my drivers license so they both knew/know how bad my situation has/had gotten but they still expect me to function as if everything is normal and to get/keep a job when they know that isn't a possiblity and they get mad when I need money for something.I think your mom may be feeling anger no towards you but your husband for not being able to provide for his family even though it's not his fault, I might be wrong but thats what I'm getting.

Geranium · Post by **Geranium** » Thu Aug 01, 2013 6:04 am

It's always hard to feel judged by someone, especially a family member. It's tough being a parent and knowing where the lines are between helping and being used and rescuing/not allowing your child to grow through their difficulties. It can make you react in ways you don't wish to, in ways that seem harsh. When I have approached my parents about helping they have had reactions understandable with all of those possibilities. What I really needed was love and support. Sometimes that love and support is uncomfortable because there is a certain level of guilt on both sides. My guilt over not being successful at meeting my obligations and my parents at saying no to me, their child who needed help. We both contributed to the discomfort by our reactions often aggravated by that guilt and shame. They had to figure out, often with incomplete information, what they thought was best in the situation. I have three siblings, two of whom at age 47 and 35 are still being supported by my dad. I have a 20 year old daughter who is slowly working her way through college, she'll get her associates degree next spring, twice as long as it would have taken if she had gone full time. She's never been on a date, never had a job and has no plans to move out any time soon or for the future, at all. She's brilliant, should become an aerospace engineer or an industrial engineer but is immobilized by fear of making the wrong choice so she makes no choice. Do I push her to get a job, get a life or do I allow her the time, space, support and privilege of being able to grow at her own pace? Some combination? Which decision is right, healthy, best? Which decision can I live with? Naturally there are times where I feel very impatient with her and desperate to make something happen so she won't be like my 47 year old sister who, without any physical disability, can't hold a job or live an independent life. I see my parents' mistakes there and the way they responded to me differently than her. But I know my daughter, she's always been successful eventually. Sometimes like learning to read and learning her multiplication tables (math in general) she's been far ahead of the game. But it took her to age 20 to decide she would learn to drive. She did not speak more than a word or two at a time from age 6-18 then she began to want to say more, to ask more questions, she still doesn't speak a great deal but the improvement is leaps and bounds over no speech. (Selective mutism was the diagnosis at 6). I'm sure many if not all of these sorts of things are going through your mom's mind. And honestly, if you're in financial difficulty to the point of requesting her help, why are you traveling an hour and a half and going to the zoo? Is there something important about this trip? If there is that could change her thoughts about it. Have you paid her back when she's given you financial assistance in the past? She may be frustrated by your situation and worried for your future especially if she looks far enough into the future to her death, what happens to you then? Yes, it's fear based and I'm sure you think you'll handle it but maybe she's not so sure. Some people also believe that if you are borrowing/asking for money from them, they have the right to "help" in all aspects regarding "your money" some of which is theirs. I've been in serious financial situations in the past and have had to make some uncomfortable choices endure some uncomfortable situations and conversations. They were some of the times of tremendous growth and a means to self awareness I had not had prior. My thoughts, as you requested...be careful what you ask for?

Miko · Post by **Miko** » Thu Aug 01, 2013 6:52 am

thank you both for your thoughts. 1st, me and my hubby have been stabel with money for almost 2 years we have just hit a rough patch in life with money.2nd, i have paied my mom back on every thing she has loned me, since me and my hubby have got together.3rd, i understand her consurn for me and my daughter, but there should be no reason for her to question the amount of money in my savings, she knows almost every penny i spend, i had to drop a good amount of $$ on my car, and ended up having to take my dog to the vet.4th. i think the thing that bugged me the most was her automaticly jumping down my neck asking about my money and telling me how to spend it, it was the tone she used, and she knows my hubby has not worked all month, (witch is not normal he is usualy really busy with work in the summer) she could have just told me no not this time, and it would have been done and over and could have changed topics..

Geranium · Post by **Geranium** » Thu Aug 01, 2013 8:06 am

Sounds like it probably wasnt about the money as much as something else. Maybe you could speak with her and tell her how you felt when she did this. Be careful not to accuse her, just express your feelings. "I felt so angry that you questioned my integrity and my ability to manage my own affairs because I was afraid you were judging me and would not approve of they way I've done things or afraid you would view me as a failure or afraid you wouldn't love and respect me any more". Whatever it is that you're feeling. And just as important, invite her to tell you why she reacted the way she did, really *want* to understand. Listen to her until she is done speaking, ask questions until you understand her side. Then figure out together how you both can handle it comfortably in the future, what each of you needs from the other. Actually ask her what it is she needs. Also consider how difficult it must be for her to say no to you, worse still to her granddaughter. As a mom you do it but its not always easy.

Laurie LeAnn · Post by **Laurie LeAnn** » Fri Aug 02, 2013 4:25 am

well right now I have a cousin that is on medical leave she just had gastric bypass then had to have a hysterectomy and has had to off work now on and off now for over 4 months or so, she is having to barrow money from her sister, her mom and anyone to make her house payment, pay bills, ect.. but yet she has money to go out drinking every weekend?? yes she gets money from her job , sick leave..I just don't think it's right, if you don't have the money to pay bills and live then ya don't have money to go run and play.. that can wait til you do. My feelings are why should I have to pay for others to go and have fun on my dime that I had to work for? My son pulled that crap on me before, I am so broke I need money to eat on, I don't have money to pay this bill then the next week he was gone to st louis! we are there for our kids when they truely need $. that is if they need something like food, the car fixed, we will pay for it, we do not give cash anymore. we also have a fam memeber that constanly comes to us now because she thinks that we all owe her since her husband died, she goes and blows her money and runs everywhere then she is broke then she thinks we should pay her way and we have to listen to boo hoo. she is now loosing her house, we are like oh well she brought this on her own ..not comparing you in anyway but this is just my experience w fam and my opinions and my point of view and ya can see why some of us prob get kind of grouchy when we get asked for money. this same person asked us for 500$ once, I told darryl my husband ahhhh he double hockey sticks no! they just went to vacation, spent money on junk, then asked us for money to pay a bill! if we had an extra 500$ laying around we would of went on vacation our selves! I have been in the dumps and broke to, never had to pay day care cause I stayed home raise my kids but been so dang broke that we ate bolonga for a week! was 14,000 in debt, went to relatives for supper, didn't eat, never asked my folks for a dime and to this day I never have, only money I have ever got from my folks in a b day card or x mas.. i hope things will turn out, GOD provides and will take care of you..

Nnnnnnnn · Post by **Nnnnnnnn** » Sat Aug 03, 2013 11:56 pm

I agree with Laurie here. I can understand you wanting to take your daughter to go to the zoo, but that can wait until you're sure you are able to pay bills. Not that I'm saying your mother had reason to go off on you. Maybe instead of the zoo you could take your daughter to a park? That would save that $150 and your daughter would have fun. And another thing I agree with Laurie about, God will provide for you.

Miko · Post by **Miko** » Mon Aug 05, 2013 1:13 am

ok so after talking with my mom..and never hitting the real point of the why she went off on me she helped me with day care by taking my daughter to the beach this week so i only had to pay for on week of daycare, and let her take her week vaca, ontop of that i got a surprize that her "father" sent in some child support!!! and it was enough to pay the daycare and take her to the Zoo!!!!i will say God is good!!

Laurie LeAnn · Post by **Laurie LeAnn** » Mon Aug 05, 2013 3:09 am

I would of forgone the zoo and saved the money as a cushion to fall back on..people think differently I guess. there are a lot of free or cheap things out there you can do with your children and make kids just as happy. my kids learned early on we are not made of money but we can have a fun time doing things we don't normally do. mcdonalds and a dif park taking bug jars and exploring, vaca w the grandparents was always a big hit! a movie w pizza hut after, the water park on coupon day. I grew up dif to maybe, I will be 50 and growing up we had chores we were pd for and that money we used to buy our stuff we wanted, then we got jobs and same thing, if didn't have money we didn't get it, it's the same now to i will go and buy my own clothes and bath beauty makeup shampoo what ever with my own money instead of using my husbands, if i don't have it I don't get it and if there is something i want in the future I save for it and if I have bills I pay them 1st, I just took my whole pk check and paid off all my bills and left me broke for a month 400$ gone it was hard not going out and buying anything when you have your friends call you to go shopping and knowing you still have money up stairs in a savings spot!! I didn't touch it! But I guess it's your money, but I just think you should really stop and think before you blow it when you have money issues..zoo or could that money be saved for an up coming bill or food ?? I'm old school...

Miko · Post by **Miko** » Mon Aug 05, 2013 3:43 am

we made sure all of our bill was paied, befor we went to the zoo, she had some money saved up as well and thats what she used to get a few things from the zoo, and we only ended up spending $60 a lot less the what i thought we would spend, and we have got to the point we have done every thing we can free, that is possable to do in the 101 degree heat, alot of time we stay in or go to my moms and swim.