Valentines Day coming up and I'm already depressed.

jenok · Post by **jenok** » Tue Feb 17, 2015 6:32 am

Attitude is everything! People feel the vibes you give off. This is probably why even your family seems to put you off (you're a downer). By continuously feeling bad for yourself that puts a negative 'force field, if you will' around you. Think about it, who really wants to be around someone negative 24/7. Like geranium said go do something like volunteer, take a walk around the block, just get out and start by getting your mind off things that make you sad. Personally I really like the volunteer suggestion. This lets you meet other people and people that are having a hard time too. So you no longer focus your energy on you, but on making someone else happy. This in turn will start making you happier, which then spreads to everyone else you're around. And I think once you have started doing this you will notice a change in everyone's behavior including your own.My daughter I think is finally starting to figure this out. She has always been shy and when she first started school was kinda left out. Her teachers actually were starting to get a little worried about her though everything else was normal. She would watch everybody but didn't really interact, unless the other kid initiated the interaction (playing ball ...). Now she is starting to play and interact with the others and is getting more friends in school even though she is an oddball like yourself. She is not fat but stocky for her age, a tad short but not too much, tons of zits, short(cuz she wants it short) curly hair that she hates, and dresses like a boy, so she looks just like a boy. All I can do is explain to her that if that is how she chooses to look then she has to realize that is what everyone sees and its not their fault if she gets called a boy, and she understands that. She has to let her attitude and personality shine through so they see who she is on the inside otherwise if you block it nobody can see you for who you really are. We see you for who you are in your posts because you forget about you and help others who need it so your negative side never shows through except in posts like this one. Do you get my drift? Take what you do/feel here and apply it to the real world experiences. PS here is a link to something we have locally you might see if there is anything similar to it where you live or in surrounding areas. This helps people with just as much disabilities as you have and a lot less brain power than you have. Oklahoma Prodution Center I think this might be my longest post yet.

Crabber85 · Post by **Crabber85** » Tue Feb 17, 2015 7:52 am

@jenok, the link you gave is broken it took me to an error page.lolI don't have much choice when it comes to volunteering we only have the library and the local animal control shelter, I've tried getting on at the library helping shelve books and such but they tend to use high schoolers who are needing to pad their college applications because working at the library for free is considered doing community labor and looks real good to prospective colleges.The pound or animal shelter is an alternative but only if I want to work in the back helping to put the animals down and I just can't bring myself to do that.We don't have a homeless shelter or even soup kitchen for the homeless in my town because we are so small, in order to volunteer at a location like this I would have to travel thirty to forty minutes to Atlanta and I have no way of getting around except to walk.I don't mean to come across as a downer or negative, I wasn't always like this I was actually pretty normal way back in early grades of elementary school I had friends and was able to make social connections on my own but then around fifth grade things started falling apart kids started noticing my issues more and more and then the bullying started, I had a kid who I thought was my friend actually tell me I was too ugly to sit next to him on the bus and then he pushed me into the floor board behind the seat to hide me and then proceeded to sit on me, I had to fight him to get him off of me and then whole bus broke out into laughter even the bus driver thought it was hilarious so from then on I started getting more and more isolated and according to my school therapist I was becoming increasingly more anti-social and that snowballed into what it is today.When I worked at Party City they stuck me in the back pulling costumes from the stock boxes because the management was afraid my appearance would frighten the customers and their children and I was there for the month of Halloween so all the staff was dressed up we had to do this to advertise the costumes, I didn't actually get to pick out a costume because the senior team leader said that I was hideous looking enough and then I got stuck in the back.After two weeks of being isolated in the back pulling costume orders they decided to put me on the mask counter and that lasted two days and then the complaints started rolling in from the customers they felt like my special effects makeup was just a little to over the top and that I was frightening their kids but I wasn't wearing any makeup.From the time I was seven all the way till now I've been told constantly by people who I thought loved me about how stupid I am and how ugly a person I've become, back when I was little people used to joke about me looking like ET or a troll doll constantly making fun of my bucket ears and after two decades of hearing all this I started believing it, my self esteem is now non-existent I don't feel comfortable going out in public places because I'm constantly afraid of being attacked for no reason because it happened so often to me growing up I have no positive experiences to draw from to try to help me heal.I don't like making eye-contact with others because it just makes me so uncomfortable and I guess thats because I was raised that making eye contact with somebody else is a challenge and I was always being told that I had no right so I was trained to avoid making eye contact at all costs but now I'm learning that not making eye contact or speaking is considered rude but I've got years and years of conditioning to overcome.I basically got trained the way a person would train their dog because thats the only way my parents knew how to deal with me being that back when I was little autism wasn't widely known and was being misdiagnosed all the time.I can remember being taken to my pediatrician on several occasions and hearing my parents asking for my meds to be upped because they couldn't take being around me unless I was so hopped up and out of it on the pills that I just sat quietly staring at the wall and that hurt to know that I was such a burden and we are talking eight years old I was plenty old enough to understand the conversation but wasn't allowed to speak even when the doctor asked me how I was doing I was only allowed to tell her certain things in order to hide what was really going on.I can remember being whipped so badly that I was bruised for weeks it hurt to sit, stand, lay down or even walk and I was instructed to lie about how I got the bruises I was made to tell adults who asked that I fell off my bike, my mothers mom was sitting out on her front porch swing one day during the summer and I was nine or so and she noticed this huge bruise going up my thigh the bruise had to be at least ten inches long and about two inches wide and I wanted to tell her what had happened but I lied out of reflex and told her that I'd fallen from my bike but she didn't believe me and wanted to press charges against my parents because she knew how violent my dad could get when he got angry and more often than not he would react before he had time to cool down and I was the one who got picked on, I remember being whipped for things that I hadn't done because I couldn't articulate myself well and so he believed I was lying which just made the whippings worse he would start off with a light strike and then work it up in intensity with each subsequent strike until I either cried or bled which I bled on a lot of occasions.I've never been able to feel much pain and when I was so little I couldn't express that so my parents though I was being stubborn or rebellious by not crying when I was spanked but the truth was I just couldn't feel it until they used excessive force.I'd gone to school with bruises and cuts on my legs from being violently whipped but out of reflex I always lied about how the injuries happened and at the time the teachers wouldn't really press the matter to much because they didn't have that responsibility put on them till much later.My mother still likes to talk about the day she dragged me down the hall at our old house by the hair of my head and then beating me I was probably twelve at the time but I had been so conditioned to not protection or defending myself to just let it happen that I didn't fight back and it was again over something I didn't do.I was always the first one they would go after because they knew I was the easy victim and so it didn't matter if I was the guilty one or not I always got the punishment.I was so mentally degraded and damaged from all the abuse that now I'm so afraid all the time that I'm going to be attacked that I don't like leaving my room because thats the only place I feel safe.My mother will deny that any of it ever happened because she was successful at burying those memories deep inside her mind, they are so well hidden and locked away that when I bring those events up she just gives a blank stare and then says I don't remember that are you sure.It really stinks knowing that your worth more dead to the people who brought you into the world than you are alive, I've gpt a twenty-thousand dollar life insurance policy and that is exactly what my life is worth to my family and if I up and died tomorrow the only thing that would matter to them is who could get their hands on the money first. Growing up I was called a lot of things but my birth name wasn't one of them, early on I got the name grease monkey then when I became old enough to use the lawn mower my title was upped to yard ape and then most recently I was given another title increase to house slave and I've been called cook, maid and butler all terms used to degrade my position within the family and I had a talk with my parents before my dad died and let them know that the nicknames needed to stop because I wasn't a slave or a servant but a member of the family and deserved to be treated as such but that went over like a lead balloon.If something doesn't b

reak soon I'm looking at being homeless in the next couple of months, my mother gave all of her money to her new husband and then he up and left and hasn't paid any of it back like he promised he would because he had no intentions of giving it back so our financial cushion is gone and the next house payment is not there so this is a huge reason why I've been so depressed because I haven't been able to find a job yet and I'm still waiting to hear back from Social Security.I'm using every avenue I have at my disposal to try not to be homeless right now its do or die for me because I have nowhere to go I'll be out on the street with my backpack and my dog wandering from place to place.I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, I haven't been sleeping well at all for the last four years it doesn't matter how early I go to bed I wind up waking more tired than when I laid down and this is taking a toll on my mind and my body.I've got severe sleep apnea which is a contributing factor and for the last year I have been experiencing nose bleeds on a daily basis which is not a good sign but because I can't afford to go get checked I don't know exactly whats going on.I've got a lot of scars and fresh wounds to get over and I know I've got to get past the hurt and move on but I'm so fragile at the moment that moving forward even a little feels like a huge step.I've registered with the job hunting website Snagajob.com and was able to find one job busing tables at the IHOP an hour away from my house everything else listed was for CDL drivers and Medical staff.My biggest issue is that I'm in an age group in between the teens looking for part time work and the older folks who had to find a replacement job for the ones they lost due to the economic turn down so I'm competing with fifteen to twenty year olds and fifty pluses for a very small pool of jobs and so far I haven't been able to find anything close enough to me with a flexible enough schedule because I have to bum rides to get from place to place I'm not always guaranteed to have a way to get back and forth which is hampering my job search, I'm literally being told by the people who give me rides that if I get a job it will have to be within walking distance of where I live because they can make no promises and there is literally nothing in walking distance of me because I live way out in the country so my hands are tied.I'm not giving up not yet...

jenok · Post by **jenok** » Wed Feb 18, 2015 5:18 am

That's odd the link worked for me yesterday and today. Here's the address http://www.opcdd.com/index.htmlMy aunt had down syndrome and could function similar to a fifth grader but couldn't live on her own. She could have had the choice of living in their assisted living or group living but stayed with her mom until she died in her thirties (which was way longer than her doctors thought she would). However she participated in their activities and work program so she would have a way of interacting and socializing. Many of the people there have similar difficulties and this group has helped. People will always make fun of that which they don't understand and that is something you just have to get used to and YOU have to choose how to handle it. It is a very cruel world out here but there will always be those who won't make fun and do understand you just have to give them a chance. You might check into different public transport systems other than a normal taxi. We have taxies and we also have a cheaper system that is like a dollar each way within certain distances and then just a little more for over those distances. The internet is at your disposal see what types of transport your closest towns and cities provide. Also here sometimes they do certain days discounted from regular cost or you may be able to get a yearly pass for a lot less and see if maybe your family would go together to buy you one.Oh yeah, I know you don't mean to be a downer no one really ever does but sometimes it takes a wake up call to get you too realize that's what is happening and your the only one who can fix it. However I also know that fixing it is ALOT easier said then done. I struggle with my self esteem too. I have found the more people you can be around even though it may make you uncomfortable the easier it becomes. Watch and learn if you pay close enough attention you can pick up what is social acceptable and what is not then you can interact some and go from there. Watch reaction when you start to interact if you get a negative reaction think to yourself was I to assertive not assertive enough or did what I say itself have the negative/positive impact. Take baby or toddler size steps and you will get to where it becomes easier. An old dog can learn new tricks you were conditioned to how you are now so recondition yourself.You might be able to organize your own volunteer thing. See if you could get a group of people together to do a weekly or monthly clean up the park or city day. If there is a need for a soup kitchen see if others want to help get one going once or twice a week or a food drive/handout for the homeless. Maybe gardening. Think outside the box we know you have the brain power so use it. Every operation has several "players" the brain, the bank/connections, the enforcer, well you get the picture right? Very seldom do you ever find that the same person is doing it all.

Crabber85 · Post by **Crabber85** » Wed Feb 18, 2015 6:27 am

@jenok, the link worked this time and no we don't have anything like that in my area I'd have to go into Atlanta to find a program like that.I was in contact with a lady who runs a job hunting agency that helps people like me find easy jobs to do and after about six weeks she finally told me that she couldn't help me because she didn't normally deal with trying to find autistics jobs when she started looking there was absolutely nothing because we are largely considered too stupid and subsequently too dangerous to hire even doing the most basic menial tasks you can imagine.I'm admittedly socially awkward and thats because I tend to say things that I shouldn't or they come out wrong so I end up offending people without meaning to and this is because I don't have much of an internal editor so I say things that may make no sense at all or they do and offend everyone around me and this is something I have struggled with since I was very little, my school therapist in elementary school tried working with me on it to correct it but it didn't help.It doesn't come across on here too much because I actually have time to review what I've written and then edit it so as not to offend anyone with what I'm trying to get across.Thanks for the encouragement I really need it right now.

Crabber85 · Post by **Crabber85** » Thu Feb 19, 2015 6:48 am

I put in an application for customer service rep at the local family dollar I don't know what the pay is going to be like because they didn't have it listed but I did receive a conformation email today from them stating that they had received my application and are in the process of reviewing it and will let me know in a couple of days if they found me qualified for the job.