The Dangers of Moving too Fast.

Crabber85 · Post by **Crabber85** » Wed Nov 26, 2014 4:30 pm

My dad died on June the 6th 2014 and now my mother is married again, she met a guy on Facebook who I will not name to protect him he's a really good guy and I like him but they'd only been talking for 17 days over Facebook and had never met face to face so the plan was he wanted to take six months to get to know her and then the two of them decide if they wanted to marry.My dear mother put this see what you can do plan of action out there for all of her friends to see telling everybody that they were going to take it slow and possibly wed in a year and then she jumped the gun.The plan was that I was supposed to give her away, my sister and sister-in-law would be the brides maids and my brother who is a preacher would marry them.We were all set for this everybody looking forward to it and then boom night before last they come back from the courthouse and have rings on, they didn't even think enough of "us" her grown children to clue us in or anything they just went behind our backs and violated our trust.In the old world hundreds of years ago a suitor had to first ask the eldest adult childs permission to marry the mother and if the sons consent wasn't given the marriage couldn't take place legally and if the mother married the suitor anyway they were both subject to public execution at the request of the mothers son for violating the law.This law still exists in the middle east but in a very different form and I can see why it has survived for so long as its a good practice.The honorable thing for my mothers new husband to have done was to either ask me or my brother for our mothers hand as a gentelmanly courtesy as a sign of respect this however did not happen which left the two of us feeling both disrespected and dissapointed in our mother.My brother has all but disowned her which is according to the old world custom completely legal its called putting her away and is the lesser of the two penalties.Our sister has also had a hard time coming to grips with the deciete and disrespect to the family and so has also all but disowned dear mother.I have had to take some extra time to think things through because I process these kinds of things very slowly and very differently to normal people and I have come to the realization that though I do feel hurt and disappointed in my mother I simply can not just throw her away but I did tell her that I felt like I didn't know her anymore that she seems like a completely different person and that she's not only lost my trust but my siblings as well, I never thought she would attempt to cover something up so big and important to the family as getting remarried its almost as if she were feeling ashamed of what she was doing because she new she was doing us wrong and so kept the whole twist in the narrative of the story to herself until it was too late to stop her.Her new husand was going to wait till a more appropriate time to do a real wedding ceremony but she kind of rushed him and got him caught in the middle of a lot of family drama and I'm right there with him.I'm caught in a cross fire between my siblings, our dads extended family, moms extended family and my mother.As soon as she started telling everybody about being remarried the questions, hurt and anger at being lied to originally came out of cousins, nephews, sisters, brothers and just about everybody else and you know what I warned my mother three weeks ago that this would happen because she was setting herself up for by posting and telling everybody and their uncle about how things were going to go and then didn't follow through with it.I told her that her getting married was already going to sever some ties but if she went about it wrong the level of destruction that would follow in her wake would be way more than she intended and would not be worth it just for her to pursue her own fruiant intrests.Since dad died its been a one ring circus featuring the great Me Myself and I act of dear mother.She was constantly going on about her hurt and loneliness at loosing her husband so early in life and that her particular brand of pain and suffering was worse than anybody elses and we quickly began to realize that the show was all about her and now that the final act has had the curtain drawn on it and shes gotten what she wanted all along, the dust has settled and she has essentially lost two of her three children, her sister, her sisters sons and all of my counsins, aunts and uncles on my dads side of the family just as I had predicted and she can't come to grips with whats shes done she thought everybody was just going to be honkey dory with what ever she wanted to do and now that its over she can't see what she did wrong only that everybody else the majority of my family is wrong, they are hateful, spiteful bitter little people who wanted to control her life and ruin.She failed to realize that we weren't trying to ruin anything but to protect her in a very vulnerable and fragile state of mind thats she has been in.This man she has married after only talking with him for seventeen days has three kids from other relationships two of which he has custody over and doesn't currently hold a job this makes him sound like a user which he is not and has been used as ammunition against mother proving that she had no business getting remarried without the families consent.I don't know but it seems to me the level of drama, caos and damage that she has created in such a short ammount of time wasn't worth her getting remarried personally I think she should have stayed a widow life was a lot easier for everyone then.I've now been estranged from my brother and sister and pretty much my entire family because I'm still living at home which makes it look like I condoned the whole thing which I told her I did not and I have not given her marriage my blessing or approval thats pending a trial run.The upside to her new husand is he is a lot like me he has autism and knows whats its like to be in a family situaiton like the one I'm in and he is sincerely caring and concerned for the whole family I just hate that he got drug into this mess.

Keg · Post by **Keg** » Fri Nov 28, 2014 3:34 am

Sorry to hear that. I wish it could have gone better.

Crabber85 · Post by **Crabber85** » Fri Nov 28, 2014 6:21 am

@Keg, the holidays have been completely wrecked, her sister, sisters kids and just about everybody else has made it very clear that they are disappointed in her and don't want her coming around and that they can not and will not support her.Basically for her to even start earning our trust again and rebuilding the relationships shes destroyed she'd have to divorce her husband and send him back to where he came from but she's not going to do that so my personal life is in shambles, I'm being pulled in two directions and I feel like my arms are going to come off.

Laurie LeAnn · Post by **Laurie LeAnn** » Sat Nov 29, 2014 2:07 pm

You are going to have to 1. Make it clear to the others although you do not support what your mom has done and are not happy with it, she is your mother! It is her LIFE, it her life to make mistakes. She is the one who has to live with them and if the shoe was one the other foot how would they feel to be shunned by her family. Yes in the " real " world we all have set our selves rules and regulations of when we should mourn a death of family it should be a set date of many months to years..2. You have no other place to live! Do any of them want to invite you live with them, so they shouldn't make you feel like your in the middle of it or be a peace maker. 3. Don't live your life waiting on PEOPLE to like what you do with your life. You were not put on this life to please EVERYONE. Some people will be disappointed and some will get over and some won't, it's their loss. I watched my sister in law take care of her sick dying husband for the last 6 - 8 yrs of his life being wheel chair bound, had kidney transplant, blood transfusion, in and out of the hospital for yrs. He had diabetes. He died 2 years ago.the whole time she never complained, they were dirt poor no insurance, she was a basket case on depression meds, but never complained! After he passed she was a complete disaster, she has lost so much weight she might weigh 99 now. Well that first yr she never dated any one, then she got asked out, a family member told her it was to.soon. She was devastated..She didn't go..another yr goes by and an other guy asks this time she didn't say anything to ANYONE, she waited til she talked to the guy a few times. Then she talked to her daughter. Her daughter is o.k. well 3 months later the rest of us find out we are all.thrilled,!! All but one..the one who always makes trouble. Well this time we just ignored her and every time she started in with negative things about her and the guy we got POSITIVE. She is slowly coming around. We tell her she is a big girl, she has her own life, she deserve to be happy.. Well only after a yr of dating she has moved in with him, now it starts again the negative , we just go through it again she is 56, she is a big girl, she can live her own life, if she needs us she will call. My sister in law is off her meds and BEAMS A WITH LIGHT. It was a decision that her and her late husband also had..Not to be alone go find someone to love and she says Jim was her first love and her husband, no one can replace him. Gary makes me happy and I do love him.All you can do is support your mom even if you don't agree with what she has done because everyone has a right to be happy

Keg · Post by **Keg** » Sun Nov 30, 2014 4:38 am

What she said, only nicer.Careful; Crabber85 is one lab accident away from becoming a supervillain.

Laurie LeAnn · Post by **Laurie LeAnn** » Mon Dec 01, 2014 2:18 am

Lol!!!Just a person who has been bullied into thinking and acting the way others want you to and tired of others doing it to people the " love ". Enough said..

Nnnnnnnn · Post by **Nnnnnnnn** » Mon Dec 01, 2014 5:07 am

I second what Laurie said.

Crabber85 · Post by **Crabber85** » Mon Dec 01, 2014 6:13 pm

@Laurie, thanks for the words of encouragement I've been in serious need of that.I'm so emotionally and physically drained that I had to take a three day weekend to spend with my cousins just so I could relax away from the drama, I'm still exhausted I have sleep apnea being overweight so I'm not getting a lot of sleep when I do get to sleep and now that I'm having to help see to the step children I'm sleeping less and I feel like they are sucking the life out of me, when I left for my cousins house Sat night I felt like I was a walking zombie I was on auto pilot for two days while I was gone.I told my mother that this has re-enforced my never wanting to have children I'm just not cut out for that, I don't have the mental or physical stamina for it.I found out yesterday that the guy my mother married without even knowing is into polygamy and from what his oldest son has told me he's had two other step moms before my mother and that his dad was married to both of them but quit letting the kids see them for various reasons.This has me wondering if my mother is actually wife number three and that he's got two others somewhere out west, he could have easily married many other women using different names and they'd never even know that he had other wifes in other states.I would actually be 100% behind them getting an annulment tomorrow but I know that wont happen.What my mother failed to think about was her actions weren't only affecting herself but me and my sister as well because we still live with her for various reasons so we in effect get drug through whatever she goes through, shes not going through anything by herself but shes gotten her mind in to a state where she thinks she is and either doesn't realize this or just doesn't care.I completely agree that she is a grown girl and is old enough to make her own decisions she just doesn't have the best decision making skills unfortunately and has a track record to prove it.

Laurie LeAnn · Post by **Laurie LeAnn** » Tue Dec 09, 2014 1:28 am

I wonder if you can do a back ground check on him? I know most sites you pay for. Someone you can go to?

Crabber85 · Post by **Crabber85** » Wed Dec 10, 2014 7:11 am

@Laurie, we already have an account with one of those background checking services but its a little late to run one on him.He keeps saying that he's got work back in Arkansas and was supposed to have been back Monday to report for his new job but he keeps finding excuses not to go so he's basically freeloading off of us and spinning one heck of tale for my mother and she just refuses to believe that he's putting her on.He's already tried this gambit with two other women but they quickly realized what he was up to and dropped him like a bad habit one of them even tried to take his kids because they were willing to take the kids but were not willing to support him.I'd had a bad feeling about him from the start and feel like they will be divorced within the next two weeks because my mother is looking more and more haggard she's way to old to be raising somebody else's kids which is exactly whats about to happen, he'll skip out soon enough and leave us holding his baggage.I've been watching mom looking worse and worse over the last few weeks she's looking more and more tired and just seems more depressed than ever but hey she brought this on herself.I can't take this guy much longer he keeps making statements like this is my house when his name is no where on it and he's trying to impose all these rules which are going over like a lead balloon, he's going to realize soon enough that he's just a stranger here and nothing he says has any weight....

jenok · Post by **jenok** » Sat Dec 13, 2014 3:53 am

Life is funny, sad, and lonely sometimes but if you wait long enough it usually works itself out. Hang in there and we're here for you.

Crabber85 · Post by **Crabber85** » Sun Dec 14, 2014 5:24 pm

Just an update on the situation, things have escalated to the point that my mother is ready to give him a divorce, he refuses to do pictures with her and they didn't get any wedding pictures because he talked her into elopping so she's hurt because of that and then today we take him and his two kids to church with us and he does nothing but bash our pastor and the church the whole way home and says that he wont ever go back because he doesn't agree with the way some things are done there and is trying to forbid me and my mother from going back and I've got news for him that aint gonna happen we have been going to this church since 2003 and my brother is married to the pastors youngest daughter.This guy has so overstepped his bounds today that it has now become very clear why his last to attempts at finding a wife to load down with his kids failed.I've been so depressed lately that I'm finding it harder and harder to get out of bed each day and he found a way of ruining my birthday party Saturday he had my mom doing all these taks around the house and didn't care that he was getting in the way of me having my party which was just us and some pound cake I don't do big events anymore haven't for years.I actually broke down and cried for a good thirty minutes because I felt like I didn't matter to anybody, I only got five happy birthdays from my close immediate family and a couple of my friends on Thursday when I my actualy birth day was and then turn around and have him act like my little birthyday party didn't mean anything really hurt and I was missing my dad and grandmother ontop of it all so I just broke I felt like sitting down and just ceasing to exist.My mother finally came and checked in on me and asked me why I was crying and I told her that I have been dealing with a heavy depression for the last two years and need to be on some kind of anti-depressant but can't afford it and that I have been feeling like a total failure at my age I should have already been married and had at least two kids by now but my life got turned upside down and derailed and I don't know how to fix it.I'm just a jumbled mess of emtions lately with no real direction or purpose in life.I've got such bad sleep apnea that it will probably be what takes me out, I had a really bad episode one night in front of one of my cousins while I was at his house he said my breathing got extremely labored and loud and then my chest stopped moving for a couple of minutes and then I woke up enough to start back breathing and then I went back to sleep, I do this everynight and its getting worse now I wake up completely exhausted because I'm not getting enough oxygen in my sleep.My mother wants me on some kind of treatment for it but I have no medical insurance so I can't get anything done.I'm glad to know that I still have friends on here that I can go to and vent when I need to its very chathartic for me.

Geranium · Post by **Geranium** » Mon Dec 15, 2014 8:46 am

Wow! You sure are in a rough stretch. Prayers for you. One thought, one of my daughters had sleep apnea when she was younger, it sounded very similar to what you described above. We went on a diet without gluten and dairy (no wheat, no milk products). The sleep apnea cleared within a couple weeks. She stayed off of both for about six months. The sleep apnea has not returned. It has been about 10 years. It might be worth a try and it doesn't really cost anything.

Crabber85 · Post by **Crabber85** » Mon Dec 15, 2014 9:23 am

@Geranium, thanks for the tip and yea its just one thing after another.He was supposed to have had his kids in school today so he takes them to finish the registration process and gets told that the state is about to notify his home state about the kids because he doesn't have full custody of them its only partial "why would he lie about that" he told us he had full custody and that he could move them wherever he wanted to but today when he got the news that he was about to be flagged with his home state for illegally moving the kids he quickly packed them up and left he didn't even have the nerve to tell us until he was headed out the door.My mother spent over three hundred dollars on each of his kids for Christmas and now they wont even be seeing the gifts because he refused to take them along so they'd have something to open on Christmas Day.My mother is so distraught because her little game got called on account of illegality and now she's basically been dumped and will have to wait two months to file for a divorce which she will have to do because she can't move to his state and he can't come back here.I knew this was coming when the public school system here kept procrastinating on registering them its been almost a month since they were withdrawn from their old school so they have missed nearly four weeks of class on top of having to just pack up go so suddenly.I knew from the start this would never work out and tried to tell them to call the whole thing off two weeks ago but they refused and now she has his last name on her social security card and her drivers license and no husband.He was looking for a maid and a nanny to keep his kids while he did his own thing and when that didn't happen suddenly all these legal issues pop up and he just ups and vanishes sounds odd no?She has succeeded in destroying the entire family and herself all in one selfish blow and is just wanting to die because she has been made a fool of yet again.This makes three times in a row and yet she still wont learn a lesson from it....

jenok · Post by **jenok** » Tue Dec 16, 2014 4:48 am

So sad. Happy late b-day I forgot yours was this month I've been so occupied with everything else.